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| my natural curls tonight |
There is so much to write about, life has been as full for me as it has for everyone else, I'm sure. These have been my rest and get organized weeks. Nowhere on my to-do list was Earthquake or Hurricane! And we fared well through it all, were only without power for a short time, a blessing I truly appreciate.
Tonight though, I simply want to share what happens tomorrow. I am going to get my hair cut short. From what I understand, this is smart for a number of reasons. Less upsetting when it does start falling out, less painful - long hair can actually hurt when it starts falling out, and it will give me the chance to start adjusting to much shorter hair.
And smart this may be, full of wisdom and foresight, yet here I find another wall of grief.
I am a Leo, a lioness (ok in the wild lionesses don't have manes, in humans they do), and I love my hair. Hair is a fashion accessory, something I truly learned from my dear friend Kat. Hair is fun, it can change color and shape, it is beautiful and a good hair day for me, is a wonderful thing. I have just recently begun to enjoy my hair curly again, it has been feeling very authentic and now it is going away. While I have had short hair before, now I am looking toward bald - this is really different.
It will be weeks before that reality, I know. And right now, it is all sinking in. The treatment I am stepping into will have side effects that are pretty extreme. And I am welcoming it, allowing it, letting it move through me.
And yes, Laura and I deeply considered the options and I have made a choice about Oncologist and treatment plan. I'll write about that more in a bit. Tonight, some parting love to my locks.
I will be saving my curls, they are powerful and full of my essence. I am not sure how I will use them in ceremony, and I am keeping them for that. This whole experience is a lesson, a gift of alchemy, and the alchemy and transformation of my hair - this outward expression of my self is big.
My ego, sense of self and just a bit of pride are all associated with my appearance, and my hair is such an integral part of that. I am moving into unknown territory, and I am simply unsure of how it will be. Lots of reassurance comes in, and what will it feel like, late at night, looking in the mirror? Just me with me. I feel fragile when I think of that. I worry a bit. I turn the worry into prayers as much as I can and ask for help, and this is a looming unknown and that is uncomfortable.
I'll keep you all posted, let you know how it feels. I have gone wig shopping, Laura and I picked out a wonderful look.... I am going to keep that under wraps for a bit though - suspense perhaps, or just one step at a time... I'm not sure.
And just think... for many friends it will be the first time you all will get to see my tattoo...
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| Some variations on Amelia's mane |
~Amelia
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteYou might remember that a bird's nest is kind of 'our thing' and a friend saw a book cover and thought of me. Then, when she saw the title, said no, that's not for her. She didn't know I had already been diagnosed. The cover had a cool drawing of a bird's nest and was called "the cancer poetry project". Here's the reason for the cover and why I'm now sharing it with you...
FAREWELL TO HAIR by Terri Hanson
I stood outside on a windy day
and ran my fingers through my hair.
Long strands of silky threads
blew across the lawn.
They glistened in the sun,
too many to count.
I imagined a nest,
lined with my mane,
woven by a mama bird.
The babies nestled,
snug inside,
warmed by my fallen tresses.
Now on the wintry nights,
when my head is cold,
I pull my wool cap
over my ears and smile
as I dream of baby birds
sleeping in my hair.
Pat,
ReplyDeleteYou rock! Thank you so much for sharing this. Yes, I totally remember about the bird's nests, partially because it is a symbol of mine also, so this poem just wrapped right into my heart and made me smile and cry and grin. Thank you!