Ah, it is quiet.
I've had plenty of time to read and research - I have been craving information over the past couple of weeks and now I have it. Perhaps more information than I need.
It helps me feel good about my decisions so far and I am reminded of how much support surrounds me. And this is still such a singular process.
Interacting at church, out and about, and even via email is tiring, there is so much running through my brain it is hard to share. Some things I don't always want to share. That's mostly the sadness and fear that slide in and out of my psyche.
So normal, I know, and painful.
Laura Is beside me and is sharing so much of this with me. This is a blessing, I know it, I feel it, and I know this is hard for her too. As my wife, she feels my pain and fear as well as having her own. She has a proprietary interest in my body and such things as surgery and radiation. She has also made choices that allow her to devote more time to our business and more deeply carry it while I am away and that is a further blessing and challenge.
Sarah is deep inside, I am holding her gently. Staying close, yet giving space.
Sometimes this just feels to big to open up and cry about. Like it could just swallow me.
Thankfully, I am well observed by Spirit and my angels. I have been gifted with at least a half dozen gratuitous crying opportunities recently. As soon as it happens, I know I am not crying about the sweet gum ball I just stepped on, or even the claustrophobic feeling in the MRI. I am crying out the experience of cancer, yet coming in this way I can breathe into it soon enough and find my steadiness and let the emotions wash through me without feeling swallowed by it all.
Ah the quiet of a Sunday afternoon.
Blessings to you all, soft green loving light is welcome, please allow space around us for it to circulate. And keep Laura and Sarah in your hearts and prayers with me too as they both have their own journey in this.
Much love,
Amelia
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