Dear Ones.
"You look so good!"
Yes, I do. That is a good thing.
At times it feels like people are somewhat surprised. They expect me to appear sicker somehow. I've even felt an occasional judgment float through-perhaps I'm not suffering enough, if I am doing the metastatic breast cancer path I ought to look and feel much worse.
And I find I need to respond to that and share my answers to such questions.
First, I started this process really healthy. Vibrantly healthy and full of strength. And then I started listening to what I needed to get through this journey.
So, I am on sabbatical, I stepped out of my life radically to take the time to honor, care for and heal my body.
Good medical - listened to me, modified medications, spread out the schedule and added extra supports like fluids and vitamins the day after infusions.
Listened to my body.
Stepped out of relationships where I felt I as not being heard.
Holistic supports, nutritional supplements, food choices, homeopathy, acupuncture and massage.
Mind body medicine and support with a counselor at CTCA, as well as my long established therapeutic relationships. I have worked with four therapists throughout this process on different aspects of the experience
Shamanic healing work with a trusted and amazing shaman.
Prayer, my own and that of do many others.
I have gotten to learn to receive and allow all the love and prayer in.
And I have had very wonderful support and help day to day. My family and dear friends have kept in touch and helped as they can. Even Sarah at eleven has stepped up and become more conscious and independent.
My biggest support has been Laura. She has been beside me at all times in this process (unless it is surgical suite or radiation exposure.). She has cared for me and held me and loved me no matter how badly I felt. She put her schooling on hold and stepped up her time at our business, covering many of my clients and keeping it all going. She loves me bald, she loves me cranky from chemo and steroids, she loves me with surgical drains and long drives and when we are both exhausted from the process.
I simply cannot imagine doing this without Laura my love.
Yes, I do look healthy, my scars, burns and damaged cells are covered by my clothes and skin.
Yes, I am walking the traditional medical path for treating metastatic breast cancer. Medicine does know how to treat it with some very good outcomes, and the treatment has improved over the years. The description cut, poison and burn is still how it is done and it is brutal at times.
I am so grateful to have the access and the freedom to walk this path my way. With all the different supports that have made the process bearable and successful.
I have finished radiation and am healing. We return just before Easter for another PET/CT to confirm all is well. Slowly and surely I am and will continue to return to life. Not life as I knew it. That is gone. A new aspect of my adventure in life.
Before this started, a friend told me that I ought to expect to hear about how good I look for a long time. Perhaps it is simply learning to take in a compliment better, on that I will continue my work. Perhaps it is our consciousness about cancer, and the surprise when someone doesn't appear to be dying. Perhaps it is incongruous, that I look happy and healthy while reporting the challenges of this process. I really prefer to be congruous in all things and n this I am so grateful that I don't appear as miserable as I feel at times!
Blessed be.
Amelia
