On Being Bald

Dear Ones,

So, it isn't exactly like I thought it would be, it is sort of odd actually, this lack of hair thing.

It was coming out in bunches, only saved from appearing too thin by my curls, and it needed to go. This is one of those big things for those in cancer treatment - the hair. For me, it was what will I actually look like bald? How is my head shaped? Will I look really sick?

So, I did it, as I have written, we cut my hair off and the buzzed it. My scalp was happier - it literally was burning from the pull of the hair on the follicles.

I didn't anticipate the ice cream headaches though. Wow, cold is painful.

Or the fact that I can now shop in peace in so many stores. The sales people just leave me alone.

I didn't know that my head was beautiful, and my eyes are so big and green.

And I wasn't aware of how I could surprise myself with a quick glance in the mirror when I am not wearing a hat or scarf.

The steadiness of my dear Sarah has impressed me, she continues to assert that "it isn't a good look for me" but she hasn't been bothered or squeamish about bald Mama a bit.  She was quite helpful the other evening as I looked at hat options, vetoing the vast majority.  As she finished up and prepared for bed she commented, "My work here is done."

Laura, my beloved, simply tells me how beautiful I am and likes to rub the fuzz on my head.

That's the other thing, I have fuzz.... If I want to be shiny bald, I need to shave. That will probably change as I go further into chemo and change drugs. For now though, the fuzz is a color that is more indicative of my age than anything else. I find that bothers me and makes me sad sometimes.

I am quickly expanding my hat and scarf wardrobe. I like to match. The chemo-cleanse heats up my body, so I go from lovely with multiple hats to steaming and pulling off said hats, only in private so far, quite unexpectedly.

What I am finding frustrating this week is that hair matches all of one's outfits.  Hats and scarves do not, matching can be really frustrating some mornings, and running around looking like a crazed fortune teller is not my preferred persona.

I'm curious about running around bald, and it isn't really warm enough anymore. We'll see how I do there, how about I start here.

I have a beautiful wig. It needs trimming and steaming, and it is too hot, and I am cranky about it. So I put on my wool hats and scarves and keep trying to remember to call my hairstylist to get her to fix it.

Bald is truly an opportunity to let go of so many attachments and ideas. As long as I allow the moments of grief and sadness, fear and loss in, too.

Blessings to you all, with all your fabulous hair! Enjoy it!

Amelia