Hi Folks,
Amelia continues to recover well from surgery today. The anesthesia is continuing to dissipate and she is resting comfortably. Sleep is an amazing, restorative experience. :-)
She reports feeling quite comfortable and is alert for short stretches tucked between lots of rest and sleep.
Appreciation and Gratitude for all the continued provision of love and prayers.
In Light, Love, and Trust,
Laura
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Surgery Update
Dear Ones,
Amelia's surgery went very well. She is in recovery.
Love, Gratitude, and Blessings Abound!
Hugs,
Laura
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Amelia's surgery went very well. She is in recovery.
Love, Gratitude, and Blessings Abound!
Hugs,
Laura
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
On house buying and trust in an alternate universe.
Dear Ones,
A year ago, I got a very clear hit that i needed a change of location. Our home on Great Lake Drive was somehow a drain, not a support. As home and place are so important, this was taking a real toll on our systems and seemingly making everything harder. It was as if there was energetic quicksand beneath the house that we were individually sensitive to and it was really draining to manage that on a day to day basis. I got a lot of guidance from the unseen to figure out what to do and how to do it. I was concerned about selling the house and was assured that a strong grounded guy would be just fine there, so staged the house for "him" and guess what - he and his wife bought it! It will support and serve their life together I am sure.
So, back to me and houses. I really wanted something that was more interesting than much of the housing stock available around Annapolis. I grew up in Rye, NY and spent many years in Connecticut and was truly spoiled by all those old homes filled with character (sometimes that means not a plumb line to be found, I know.)
During March I had found the house on Bay Avenue after looking since last fall. It is in very poor condition, it was built as a very solid summer house, but it needs all new systems, roof, floors, walls..... kitchen, baths... .... ..... yeah, not a project for the faint-hearted. Yet the land, the view of Black Walnut Creek across the street and the view down to the Chesapeake Bay from the yard in the winter, this is sweet. The land is welcoming and solid, it is warm, friendly and just makes me smile as well as Laura, Sarah and everyone else who has visited.
This house was a short-sale... ugh and yet that is how I got such a good price on it. It took months and months and lawyers and holding to an unwavering ethical standard to purchase this house. And it finally came through, and I was able to close on it yesterday. For my birthday.
Now, the questions, the soul searching, the fears were strong right. There are parts of me that think I must be crazy. In fact I was up much of the night before closing in worry, fear and then prayer about what to do.
I am now in such a different position than I was in March, and even a month ago. What looked like "common garden variety" breast cancer with a relatively quick recovery timeline has revealed itself to be an experience of a bit more gravity. Many are able to work successfully, at least part time, during chemo and radiation. Many work for organizations that can provide them with disability or simply help make it work out. I am self employed. I have a very physical career. I use my arms and upper body. I am having surgery and treatments that put me at a very high risk for lymphedema. I am simply not headed back to work in two weeks.
My take on how I will manage all of this has already been settled.
I am retiring my superwoman cape and slowing down and taking care of myself, I need to do that even more with this new diagnosis. I have proven time and again that I am a very competent, functional woman. I can get stuff done, multitask, create and amaze with the best of them. I also have skills that allow me to settle in and know what my system needs and it needs to stop and take care of me right now. It needs me to shift the paradigm of full speed ahead that has generally been seen as the ideal.
So, where did I come to yesterday morning? You know I bought the house, so I've given that away already. Let me tell you what happened beyond the worry and the fear.
I went to sleep in trust and prayer, asking that what I needed to know be very clear to me as I woke. I asked spirit for a black and white answer - yes or no - buy the house or no? (ok, I also allowed the delay closing option and decide later option.)
Wednesday morning I woke three times before I was fully awake. Each time I woke, I felt calm and trusting, and I heard "no matter what you do Amelia, everything is going to be ok." Laura and I went to the house to visit before the closing. I saw a goldfinch on the way in and a deer visited us when we left. As we drove in I remembered the chicken doorstop, and knew if it was still in the back yard next to the tree where I had left it, all was ok. I burst into tears when I saw that old iron hen.
So that, combined that with a lot of backing down of my plans and prayer, allowed me to decide to go ahead and buy 1327 Bay Avenue in Highland Beach.
My home may end up retaining more of its summer-home, beach shack charm than I had intended. We may not have such a grand kitchen or fancy baths. It may need to remain a two bedroom instead of becoming three and there won't be any second floor observation decks, solar power or other such fancies. And I love Second Chance and am happy to shop for bargains and I trust that my contractors will be able to make the home secure, sound, energy efficient and beautiful on far less than I used to have to spend.
It will be a wonderful celebration, this homecoming, when Bay Avenue is ready to become a home again and we can move in. I suspect I will need to add a birthday cake to the celebration!
Please sit with me in trust on this, help me know that it will be ok. Continue to hold with me that it doesn't have to be amazing, and no matter what, I want Sarah to have a good solid home to grow into a young woman in, and Bay Avenue feels like it is the answer.
Because the land, the home, the place, that is what truly matters and all of that is already there at 1327.
Now to name her.
Alleluia Cottage
High Mooring
Birdsong
are the current contenders. I'll let you know when she is christened.
much love,
~Amelia
who is off to surgery now, knowing she has a home to come home to someday soon.
And who knows - maybe I can get HGTV's attention and a get a whole house makeover!
Links to many random pics of the house and the neighborhood - https://picasaweb.google.com/NurtureTheEssential/1327BayAvenueHighlandBeach?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCPW1laTNirq6mAE&feat=directlink
 | |
| 1327 Bay Avenue, it is mine now! |
A year ago, I got a very clear hit that i needed a change of location. Our home on Great Lake Drive was somehow a drain, not a support. As home and place are so important, this was taking a real toll on our systems and seemingly making everything harder. It was as if there was energetic quicksand beneath the house that we were individually sensitive to and it was really draining to manage that on a day to day basis. I got a lot of guidance from the unseen to figure out what to do and how to do it. I was concerned about selling the house and was assured that a strong grounded guy would be just fine there, so staged the house for "him" and guess what - he and his wife bought it! It will support and serve their life together I am sure.
So, back to me and houses. I really wanted something that was more interesting than much of the housing stock available around Annapolis. I grew up in Rye, NY and spent many years in Connecticut and was truly spoiled by all those old homes filled with character (sometimes that means not a plumb line to be found, I know.)
During March I had found the house on Bay Avenue after looking since last fall. It is in very poor condition, it was built as a very solid summer house, but it needs all new systems, roof, floors, walls..... kitchen, baths... .... ..... yeah, not a project for the faint-hearted. Yet the land, the view of Black Walnut Creek across the street and the view down to the Chesapeake Bay from the yard in the winter, this is sweet. The land is welcoming and solid, it is warm, friendly and just makes me smile as well as Laura, Sarah and everyone else who has visited.
This house was a short-sale... ugh and yet that is how I got such a good price on it. It took months and months and lawyers and holding to an unwavering ethical standard to purchase this house. And it finally came through, and I was able to close on it yesterday. For my birthday.
Now, the questions, the soul searching, the fears were strong right. There are parts of me that think I must be crazy. In fact I was up much of the night before closing in worry, fear and then prayer about what to do.
I am now in such a different position than I was in March, and even a month ago. What looked like "common garden variety" breast cancer with a relatively quick recovery timeline has revealed itself to be an experience of a bit more gravity. Many are able to work successfully, at least part time, during chemo and radiation. Many work for organizations that can provide them with disability or simply help make it work out. I am self employed. I have a very physical career. I use my arms and upper body. I am having surgery and treatments that put me at a very high risk for lymphedema. I am simply not headed back to work in two weeks.
My take on how I will manage all of this has already been settled.
I am retiring my superwoman cape and slowing down and taking care of myself, I need to do that even more with this new diagnosis. I have proven time and again that I am a very competent, functional woman. I can get stuff done, multitask, create and amaze with the best of them. I also have skills that allow me to settle in and know what my system needs and it needs to stop and take care of me right now. It needs me to shift the paradigm of full speed ahead that has generally been seen as the ideal.
So, where did I come to yesterday morning? You know I bought the house, so I've given that away already. Let me tell you what happened beyond the worry and the fear.
I went to sleep in trust and prayer, asking that what I needed to know be very clear to me as I woke. I asked spirit for a black and white answer - yes or no - buy the house or no? (ok, I also allowed the delay closing option and decide later option.)
Wednesday morning I woke three times before I was fully awake. Each time I woke, I felt calm and trusting, and I heard "no matter what you do Amelia, everything is going to be ok." Laura and I went to the house to visit before the closing. I saw a goldfinch on the way in and a deer visited us when we left. As we drove in I remembered the chicken doorstop, and knew if it was still in the back yard next to the tree where I had left it, all was ok. I burst into tears when I saw that old iron hen.
So that, combined that with a lot of backing down of my plans and prayer, allowed me to decide to go ahead and buy 1327 Bay Avenue in Highland Beach.
My home may end up retaining more of its summer-home, beach shack charm than I had intended. We may not have such a grand kitchen or fancy baths. It may need to remain a two bedroom instead of becoming three and there won't be any second floor observation decks, solar power or other such fancies. And I love Second Chance and am happy to shop for bargains and I trust that my contractors will be able to make the home secure, sound, energy efficient and beautiful on far less than I used to have to spend.
It will be a wonderful celebration, this homecoming, when Bay Avenue is ready to become a home again and we can move in. I suspect I will need to add a birthday cake to the celebration!
 | |
| old iron hen doorstop |
Because the land, the home, the place, that is what truly matters and all of that is already there at 1327.
Now to name her.
Alleluia Cottage
High Mooring
Birdsong
are the current contenders. I'll let you know when she is christened.
much love,
~Amelia
who is off to surgery now, knowing she has a home to come home to someday soon.
And who knows - maybe I can get HGTV's attention and a get a whole house makeover!
Links to many random pics of the house and the neighborhood - https://picasaweb.google.com/NurtureTheEssential/1327BayAvenueHighlandBeach?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCPW1laTNirq6mAE&feat=directlink
Dejavu - here we go again!
Dear Ones,
Up early for broth today. Since I'm not having surgery until 2pm I am allowed to have clear liquids before 6am. So we are watching the sunrise and drinking broth. It is a lovely way to start the day until my mind wanders back to why we are doing this.
And then I get to pause and rest back and trust.
So the plan for the day is simpler than the last surgery, at least for me before hand.
Arrive at BWMC at noon for prep. Surgery for axillary dissection and medi-cath placement at 2pm.
Laura will be with me, with two dear friends for support. Thankfully Kat has a break in the afternoon, so she will be back with us.
Laura will post here later this afternoon with updates and details.
Two surgeries in two weeks seems really big. Another opportunity to release that which no longer serves me, allowing my body to shift and heal.
This morning I am in a place of deep gratitude for my lymphatic system. It has been working hard to do what it can to protect and heal me and this is simply a case where it has now been too deeply involved to be protective in this area anymore.
The rest of my system just doesn't understand why we are up so early drinking broth. I'm not hungry for it and it is still sleep time. I reassure it that this will help me feel better later and that now we will nap a bit.
Hugs and love to you all! And thank you, thank you, thank you for all the birthday greetings!
Many blessings,
Amelia
Up early for broth today. Since I'm not having surgery until 2pm I am allowed to have clear liquids before 6am. So we are watching the sunrise and drinking broth. It is a lovely way to start the day until my mind wanders back to why we are doing this.
And then I get to pause and rest back and trust.
So the plan for the day is simpler than the last surgery, at least for me before hand.
Arrive at BWMC at noon for prep. Surgery for axillary dissection and medi-cath placement at 2pm.
Laura will be with me, with two dear friends for support. Thankfully Kat has a break in the afternoon, so she will be back with us.
Laura will post here later this afternoon with updates and details.
Two surgeries in two weeks seems really big. Another opportunity to release that which no longer serves me, allowing my body to shift and heal.
This morning I am in a place of deep gratitude for my lymphatic system. It has been working hard to do what it can to protect and heal me and this is simply a case where it has now been too deeply involved to be protective in this area anymore.
The rest of my system just doesn't understand why we are up so early drinking broth. I'm not hungry for it and it is still sleep time. I reassure it that this will help me feel better later and that now we will nap a bit.
Hugs and love to you all! And thank you, thank you, thank you for all the birthday greetings!
Many blessings,
Amelia
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A bit of Happy for the afternoon
 | |
| A sample PET/CT scanner, SO different from an MRI?? |
(good news- and you know me, I will tell the story - so skip down if you just want the info)
First, I survived the test itself.
I know I am sounding a bit silly, but when this change in diagnosis arrived on Friday, a certain amount of my anxiety got focused into the PET/CT scan. I had a really hard time with the MRI, and this didn't seem much different. Trust me, the noise wasn't the issue. Claustrophobia when my shoulders got jostled going into the MRI machine was.
I went back and forth on it, finally realizing that I needed to be gentle to myself. I have plenty of good skills and have been using them. However, it would be ok to have some help managing my anxiety as I had to get another IV, with radioactive tracer, then wait an hour or more alone and quiet, before even starting the scan. It has been really a challenge to stay quiet in my mind for the last few days, this news of locally metastatic cancer so blew me away. And then we add the scan itself, 30 minutes in a doughnut shaped machine (very very plump doughnut, with too small a hole IMHO) being very still, while looking for more cancer, the kind that western medicine doesn't really know how to cure too well, there goes my anxiety.
So, uncle! I took a whopping 5mg of Valium. It helped, just enough to take the edge off during the scan. I was able to simply decide to trust that I was ok, and could keep my eyes closed the whole time and not look at it. It also allowed me to make some really bad jokes with Laura on the way home. Our dear friend Kat suggested that I ought to have shared if I was going to do such things as to have a peculiar sense of humor on Valium.
Now for the really good news. It was just two hours later when Monica called from Dr. Drogula's office. The scan was all clear - no sign of distant metastasis.
I am gently celebrating this and resting a bit better now. That was a very scary prospect. Now, this news does not take any of the treatment regimen out of my future, yet it truly eases my mind.
blessed be!
~Amelia
Monday, July 25, 2011
News from Monday
Well, Monday did finally come. It was a long weekend without complete information. Laura and I had it planned to be quiet, since I am really not even healed from surgery #1 and we had lots of time to talk, cry, question, consider and read to each other.
The calls started early and I am now scheduled for the next steps of this journey.
Tuesday, late morning I will have a PET/CT scan. Tuesday evening, I'll be serving up some radioactive quiche if anyone wants to come over! Laura can't be with me for this one because I am considered radioactive once the tracer is injected, however, they will send me right home afterwards even though it will take hours for it to leave my body. Gotta love the system. I am also not allowed to use an iPod because I might have too much activity in my finger, I can watch TV, huh?
Wednesday, I'll get my hair done and close on my new house - whew! It is my birthday, a biggie and my celebrations are completely different from anything I had ever imagined. In fact all the planning got completely dropped when that lump appeared last month and now here we are. A quiet evening is all I get, there will be no champagne for birthday or closing. I pray and plan for a big bash down the road, I hope you will all join me. And send a bit of extra love on Wednesday:-)
I have a second surgery on Thursday afternoon. The axillary dissection will take place at 2pm. Dr. Drogula will be traveling later in the month and this was the only spot they had in her schedule. And, sooner is probably better than later, and OMG, I am going to have surgery twice in two weeks. This surgery will remove the lymph nodes from beneath my arm as well as the fat pad they reside in. Also, Dr. Drogula will place the port through which chemo-therapy can be administered.
This is scary, this is big. I am being called to a much larger journey than we expected, apparently I am up to the task, as here it is. My body is transforming something and I am shifting deeply.
There are many more things to write about and Sarah is with me tonight and I simply must go feed her and do her hair.
Much love to you all, thank you so much for your love and support. I have never been so deeply on this side of that equation, it is truly, truly needed and appreciated. Small notes of interest, caring and love do carry us through.
blessings to you all,
~Amelia
The calls started early and I am now scheduled for the next steps of this journey.
Tuesday, late morning I will have a PET/CT scan. Tuesday evening, I'll be serving up some radioactive quiche if anyone wants to come over! Laura can't be with me for this one because I am considered radioactive once the tracer is injected, however, they will send me right home afterwards even though it will take hours for it to leave my body. Gotta love the system. I am also not allowed to use an iPod because I might have too much activity in my finger, I can watch TV, huh?
Wednesday, I'll get my hair done and close on my new house - whew! It is my birthday, a biggie and my celebrations are completely different from anything I had ever imagined. In fact all the planning got completely dropped when that lump appeared last month and now here we are. A quiet evening is all I get, there will be no champagne for birthday or closing. I pray and plan for a big bash down the road, I hope you will all join me. And send a bit of extra love on Wednesday:-)
I have a second surgery on Thursday afternoon. The axillary dissection will take place at 2pm. Dr. Drogula will be traveling later in the month and this was the only spot they had in her schedule. And, sooner is probably better than later, and OMG, I am going to have surgery twice in two weeks. This surgery will remove the lymph nodes from beneath my arm as well as the fat pad they reside in. Also, Dr. Drogula will place the port through which chemo-therapy can be administered.
This is scary, this is big. I am being called to a much larger journey than we expected, apparently I am up to the task, as here it is. My body is transforming something and I am shifting deeply.
There are many more things to write about and Sarah is with me tonight and I simply must go feed her and do her hair.
Much love to you all, thank you so much for your love and support. I have never been so deeply on this side of that equation, it is truly, truly needed and appreciated. Small notes of interest, caring and love do carry us through.
blessings to you all,
~Amelia
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Tears and Fears
Dear Ones,
It's taken me a bit if time to write this update. We have been reeling from the pathology report that arrived late Friday afternoon.
The news was completely unexpected and Dr. Drogula was clearly surprised and not happy with the report.
First good- tumor removed, it was 1.6cm with clean margins.
Concerns in sentinel nodes. Both were positive and the cancer cells were spilling into the surrounding tissue. They are considered lymphatically active and a much more aggressive treatment plan is being suggested.
First, another surgery for the full axillary dissection within the next two weeks.
Then full breast and axillary radiation is recommended, which is in addition to the dissection and creates a really high concern for lymphedema.
Also, because of how much different this cancer is appearing with this report, chemo is recommended for a systemic treatment- that would happen as soon as I recover from the second surgery, where a port would be placed for it's administration.
Wednesday Dr. Drogula will discuss my case at their Multi-disciplinary conference with all the other oncology specialists. That will provide additional insight and confirmation I suspect from their point of view.
She expressed her own personal concern and reiterated how much more aggressively they are going to want to treat this because I am young and because the pathology is so different from what was expected.
My first step is for a PET/CT scan. While the story is to get a baseline and for the vast majority that is all it is for, let's be honest, we are also looking for metastasis.
Monday the scan as well as my next surgery will be scheduled.
And BTW, I am not questioning choices. The thought of a second surgery makes me want to puke, and we had very different info last Monday and I made the best choice for me, in not getting the axillary dissection.
Laura and I are collecting our questions for the docs and will be seeking second opinions for continued treatment. It seems the focus has shifted from my breast to my lymph system and the cancer's potential for travel.
I'm feeling pretty dizzy from the reeling sensation that arrived with this news. There have been many tears shed and fears that crept up out of the dark.
There will be a lot of information gathered and plans to be made this week. I will need some help getting Sarah to and from camp as well, as I am really not feeling up to driving yet. My surgery from Monday is healing beautifully and it is still healing.
I continue to trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I will be fully supported through this. Your love and prayers continue to be welcomed and appreciated.
And on another, more cheerful note, it seems that cooler heads have prevailed on the Bay Avenue house and closing is expected next week. So I'll have the house I have been trying to buy since March, renovations to make it livable? Not even going there yet. Simply trusting some more.
Sending big spinny hugs!
Amelia
It's taken me a bit if time to write this update. We have been reeling from the pathology report that arrived late Friday afternoon.
The news was completely unexpected and Dr. Drogula was clearly surprised and not happy with the report.
First good- tumor removed, it was 1.6cm with clean margins.
Concerns in sentinel nodes. Both were positive and the cancer cells were spilling into the surrounding tissue. They are considered lymphatically active and a much more aggressive treatment plan is being suggested.
First, another surgery for the full axillary dissection within the next two weeks.
Then full breast and axillary radiation is recommended, which is in addition to the dissection and creates a really high concern for lymphedema.
Also, because of how much different this cancer is appearing with this report, chemo is recommended for a systemic treatment- that would happen as soon as I recover from the second surgery, where a port would be placed for it's administration.
Wednesday Dr. Drogula will discuss my case at their Multi-disciplinary conference with all the other oncology specialists. That will provide additional insight and confirmation I suspect from their point of view.
She expressed her own personal concern and reiterated how much more aggressively they are going to want to treat this because I am young and because the pathology is so different from what was expected.
My first step is for a PET/CT scan. While the story is to get a baseline and for the vast majority that is all it is for, let's be honest, we are also looking for metastasis.
Monday the scan as well as my next surgery will be scheduled.
And BTW, I am not questioning choices. The thought of a second surgery makes me want to puke, and we had very different info last Monday and I made the best choice for me, in not getting the axillary dissection.
Laura and I are collecting our questions for the docs and will be seeking second opinions for continued treatment. It seems the focus has shifted from my breast to my lymph system and the cancer's potential for travel.
I'm feeling pretty dizzy from the reeling sensation that arrived with this news. There have been many tears shed and fears that crept up out of the dark.
There will be a lot of information gathered and plans to be made this week. I will need some help getting Sarah to and from camp as well, as I am really not feeling up to driving yet. My surgery from Monday is healing beautifully and it is still healing.
I continue to trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I will be fully supported through this. Your love and prayers continue to be welcomed and appreciated.
And on another, more cheerful note, it seems that cooler heads have prevailed on the Bay Avenue house and closing is expected next week. So I'll have the house I have been trying to buy since March, renovations to make it livable? Not even going there yet. Simply trusting some more.
Sending big spinny hugs!
Amelia
Thursday, July 21, 2011
2 2 2 2
Some details from Monday.
Two IVs -one more than expected- the first blew.
Two Needle Localizations - one more than expected. The first one was a bit short and wouldn't catch in the tumor. So a second was required. Bigger wire, bigger needle. Yuk. And it seemed like a dozen extra mammograms yeehah!! And finally, the tumor was speared on a wire just like an olive on a toothpick. This allows the surgeon to easily locate the tumor during a breast sparing surgery such as my lumpectomy. Apologies to my martini drinking friends.
Two incisions - this was expected. One horizontal to remove the tumor, one vertical at the edge of my axilla to collect the sentinel nodes. They are covered with a lovely lavender glue instead of tape or such.
Two lymph nodes removed. We knew it was going to be between one and four sentinel nodes. These two were the ones indicated by the radioactive tracer. (that required 4 injections:-)
We are now expecting pathology on Friday.
Dr. Drogula expects to have gotten clean margins around the tumor and once we know that for sure and all about the pathology of both nodes and tumor I will begin to make choices further treatment.
And just for grins, numerology from Doreen Virtue:
222 — Have faith. Everything’s going to be all right. Don’t worry about anything, as this situation is resolving itself beautifully for everyone involved.
Blessings abound,
Amelia
Two IVs -one more than expected- the first blew.
Two Needle Localizations - one more than expected. The first one was a bit short and wouldn't catch in the tumor. So a second was required. Bigger wire, bigger needle. Yuk. And it seemed like a dozen extra mammograms yeehah!! And finally, the tumor was speared on a wire just like an olive on a toothpick. This allows the surgeon to easily locate the tumor during a breast sparing surgery such as my lumpectomy. Apologies to my martini drinking friends.
Two incisions - this was expected. One horizontal to remove the tumor, one vertical at the edge of my axilla to collect the sentinel nodes. They are covered with a lovely lavender glue instead of tape or such.
Two lymph nodes removed. We knew it was going to be between one and four sentinel nodes. These two were the ones indicated by the radioactive tracer. (that required 4 injections:-)
We are now expecting pathology on Friday.
Dr. Drogula expects to have gotten clean margins around the tumor and once we know that for sure and all about the pathology of both nodes and tumor I will begin to make choices further treatment.
And just for grins, numerology from Doreen Virtue:
222 — Have faith. Everything’s going to be all right. Don’t worry about anything, as this situation is resolving itself beautifully for everyone involved.
Blessings abound,
Amelia
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Nnign
Hi Folks,
While neither of us are total fans of "no news is good news," it really does apply right now. :-)
Amelia is in good spirits and releasing the effects of general anesthesia smoothly. The pain is well-managed with the medication, and she's been up and out of bed a bit today.
Please refer back to Amelia's Monday morning post and keep filling that fountain of love as she continues to draw from it.
One thing Amelia is very conscious of right now is how helpful her choice to sequester herself has been. In her words: "by stepping out of day to day life, I allowed myself the opportunity to experience only my journey and my story. I consulted with those I trust and was able to sink in and choose a path that feels consistent with who I am. While I honor, appreciate and understand the value of other's experiences with cancer, it has helped me to step to the side of this so I only had to carry my own experience."
Please understand this serves us both and we plan to continue with this focus for the time being. We are having a different experience with cancer than what it seems our culture expects.
Much Love,
Laura and Amelia
And a p.s. from Amelia, "the best solution to nausea is vomiting, just "sayin'."
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I'm good
Hi to you all,
I've been home in bed, very well cared for by Laura since late afternoon yesterday.
Serial napping with some sleep mixed in has been my experience, letting the anesthesia wear off and letting the pain relievers do their work.
I'm foggy and still very much in the in-between places and have felt many of you present with me.
Wow, that was a long time to be sitting. Returning to horizontal.
Much love, Amelia.
I've been home in bed, very well cared for by Laura since late afternoon yesterday.
Serial napping with some sleep mixed in has been my experience, letting the anesthesia wear off and letting the pain relievers do their work.
I'm foggy and still very much in the in-between places and have felt many of you present with me.
Wow, that was a long time to be sitting. Returning to horizontal.
Much love, Amelia.
Monday, July 18, 2011
End of a long day
Hello again Dear Ones,
We are home resting well and soaking in the love.
Thank you.
Laura
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We are home resting well and soaking in the love.
Thank you.
Laura
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Quick post-surgery update
Hello Dear Ones,
Laura here.
Amelia's surgery went well. She is in recovery. Am looking forward to sitting with her soon. Hugs and gratitude to all.
More updates to follow.
Deep gratitude for all the love and prayers traveling with us through this journey and today in particular.
Hugs,
Laura
Laura here.
Amelia's surgery went well. She is in recovery. Am looking forward to sitting with her soon. Hugs and gratitude to all.
More updates to follow.
Deep gratitude for all the love and prayers traveling with us through this journey and today in particular.
Hugs,
Laura
Love to Fill the Hollow Spaces
Dear Ones,
We are driving to the hospital and as I was sinking in and journalling I realized there will be hollows in my body later today.
If you could send love to the fountain from which I will fill those spaces I would appreciate it. Love of self, every cell of self, love of all humanity, love of our universe and all her creatures and love of the mystery which is life.
This fountain will overflow, please drink of it yourself too.
Blessed be,
Amelia
We are driving to the hospital and as I was sinking in and journalling I realized there will be hollows in my body later today.
If you could send love to the fountain from which I will fill those spaces I would appreciate it. Love of self, every cell of self, love of all humanity, love of our universe and all her creatures and love of the mystery which is life.
This fountain will overflow, please drink of it yourself too.
Blessed be,
Amelia
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sharing Monday
Dear Ones,Thank you all so much for your love and great messages! I am drinking it in and letting it move into all the cells of my body and psyche.
This afternoon we are enjoying this gorgeous Annapolis weather My first trip to Annapolis was by sail, and these are the days that I hope every sailor, who wants to, can be out on the water. Steady breeze, warm sun, clear skies. Marvelous.
So what is the plan for tomorrow you ask?
We will arrive at the hospital- Baltimore Washington Medical Center by 8:30am tomorrow morning. I have lots to do upon arrival - intake, transform into a patient, IV and the like. Then back to a waiting area where Laura and others will join me. Around 10 they will take me down for the two pre-op procedures, needle localization and introducing the radioactive tracer for the sentinel node biopsy. Oh what fun, I will be accepting and allowing the pincushion experience.
At around 11am, I will be back up to waiting, family will join me again and my surgeon and the anesthesiologist will come in to go over everything with us.
Then off to surgery at noon.
Surgery is estimated at 90 minutes, then an hour or a bit more in recovery. We'll get home late afternoon some time, I suspect.
Laura will be with me as well as our dear friend Kat. Stewart+ will visit in the morning with a blessing.
Laura will post updates here on the blog - so check in throughout the day please.
My requests for the day.
Please hold me in loving light as I step both into the middle world process of surgery as well as the deeper soul journey process of letting go of this tumor, who I now know to be a welcoming vessel that has received all that I am releasing.
Prayer, support and gratitude directly to my lymphatic and immune systems. Their strength and understanding will guide my healing and protect my body from further challenges.
Prayer and loving thoughts for my whole medical team, let them be rested and happy in their day, able to clearly hear, respect and respond to my needs and gently bring their skills and knowings to my experience tomorrow.
Gentle loving care for Laura as she sits and waits and cares so deeply through the day. She is so strong and loving and present.
Please bless Sarah with a fun, busy and joyful day/week with all her beloved horses. Let her simply be a 11 year old, whose concerns are small and whose days are full of play.
And send a prayer or blessing to all the others who are walking through such experiences. It is such a deep, personal journey taking each of us where we need to go.
I pray that we all get what we need from each and every moment of our lives and that we always remember that we are a blessing and a gift from God/Goddess.
Candles, sage, bells - whatever invites healing and clearing energy is welcome tomorrow, especially from 12-2pm, eastern. Your presence and witness in my ceremony is an honor.
I only ask that in your prayer, blessings or thoughts that you please hold the trust that whatever happens, no matter what, that it will be for my, our and all highest and best.
With love,
Amelia
ps: to my goddess shaman friends - please send guides and energies to inform my journey.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Past Perfect, Future Trust
Dear Ones,
I am a child of many experiences, one of which is EST - Erhard Seminar Trainings. We don't need to go too deeply into that little bee's nest, and I bring it up because at 15, I was gifted with a way of looking at things that has actually served me very well.
The concept was that I am perfect just the way I am right now. Now, let me set things straight here, I have rarely, if ever felt perfect, no matter how hard I have tried. Yet, the extrapolation of that concept was that everything that has happened so far in my life has led me to this moment, and to change any of it would change who I am, and who I am is perfect, just the way I am.
So, in a broader sense, I have known that I am perfect just as I am, and that my life has been perfect. Opportunities to question the past, regret, or brood have been short lived in my system with this knowledge. Some regret arrives in my head, I brood a bit and suddenly realize that I wouldn't change a thing because I am really ok with who I am and that all the experiences of my life have created me. Perfect.
Cruising along with this knowledge I found myself in a coffee hour forum a few months ago down on Sanibel Island, at St. Michael's and All Angels to be exact. The forum was about healing ministries and was led by the deeply insightful Rev. Elizabeth Farrow. She, like so many of us, has had her own challenges and tests and openings. She shared beautifully how after she was ordained she became so sick that she literally could do nothing but rest and care for herself. How frustrating that must have felt, to have worked toward a goal for so long, especially when that goal is truly a calling, and then have your body take you to a full stop.
What she brought to us that day was the concept that this experience was taking her somewhere, and that she trusted that. This is such a start contrast from the fear or worry that a "bad" experience is because of some error, sin, mistake or wrongdoing from the past. Something about how Liz worded her experience and what she learned gave me a much broader view of how I can choose to experience any moment of my life. How I can trust Spirit so much more deeply. I can look back at so much and see how it has taken me to the next step in my journey, brought me to a new understanding, offered me a different point of view.
And I sit here now, having what our society truly believes is a "bad" experience, I have cancer, yet it is simply not taking me down that "bad" path. I have even heard some criticism, perhaps I am being too Pollyanna, or not really aware of what is happening, or simply pretending to be positive and happy.
Please, let me assure you, I do understand, my path may be different from many others, I love you all and however you walk your path and whatever your experiences are, I know it is perfect and leading you to where you need to go. I know how scary, painful and traumatizing this experience can be, I know that all outcomes might not look so good, and for many the day to day experience of cancer simply sucks.
In this moment, knowing all of that, I am finding that I am seeing these other options. My entire life has been growing me to be exactly here right now. And right now is perfect, and I can rest back and trust that where I land, will be exactly where I need to be. The "Why" voice has been silenced, it is asleep. I know why I am experiencing cancer. Simply because this experience is on my path and taking me where I need to go.
Is it because I have been working and a Lymph Drainage therapist for a few years now and have had quite a number of clients who are having the experience of breast cancer? Could be, that would be a direct path to deeper understanding and empathy for me as a therapist.
Is it because sharing myself, being open and of this world has always been a calling and this experience is so big and so strong as to break me wide open into the world? Who knows.
Is it because I have been working and shifting and really changing myself and how I live my life for years and all of a sudden it is time to integrate those changes on a deep cellular level, and this feeling of trust and understanding and wholeness will somehow serve the future? Maybe.
I'll keep imagining all the amazing possibilities of where I am going, while knowing it is all perfect, and where I am going is perfect. Thanks for checking in with me along the way.
big blessings and love,
~Amelia
I am a child of many experiences, one of which is EST - Erhard Seminar Trainings. We don't need to go too deeply into that little bee's nest, and I bring it up because at 15, I was gifted with a way of looking at things that has actually served me very well.
The concept was that I am perfect just the way I am right now. Now, let me set things straight here, I have rarely, if ever felt perfect, no matter how hard I have tried. Yet, the extrapolation of that concept was that everything that has happened so far in my life has led me to this moment, and to change any of it would change who I am, and who I am is perfect, just the way I am.
So, in a broader sense, I have known that I am perfect just as I am, and that my life has been perfect. Opportunities to question the past, regret, or brood have been short lived in my system with this knowledge. Some regret arrives in my head, I brood a bit and suddenly realize that I wouldn't change a thing because I am really ok with who I am and that all the experiences of my life have created me. Perfect.
Cruising along with this knowledge I found myself in a coffee hour forum a few months ago down on Sanibel Island, at St. Michael's and All Angels to be exact. The forum was about healing ministries and was led by the deeply insightful Rev. Elizabeth Farrow. She, like so many of us, has had her own challenges and tests and openings. She shared beautifully how after she was ordained she became so sick that she literally could do nothing but rest and care for herself. How frustrating that must have felt, to have worked toward a goal for so long, especially when that goal is truly a calling, and then have your body take you to a full stop.
What she brought to us that day was the concept that this experience was taking her somewhere, and that she trusted that. This is such a start contrast from the fear or worry that a "bad" experience is because of some error, sin, mistake or wrongdoing from the past. Something about how Liz worded her experience and what she learned gave me a much broader view of how I can choose to experience any moment of my life. How I can trust Spirit so much more deeply. I can look back at so much and see how it has taken me to the next step in my journey, brought me to a new understanding, offered me a different point of view.
And I sit here now, having what our society truly believes is a "bad" experience, I have cancer, yet it is simply not taking me down that "bad" path. I have even heard some criticism, perhaps I am being too Pollyanna, or not really aware of what is happening, or simply pretending to be positive and happy.
Please, let me assure you, I do understand, my path may be different from many others, I love you all and however you walk your path and whatever your experiences are, I know it is perfect and leading you to where you need to go. I know how scary, painful and traumatizing this experience can be, I know that all outcomes might not look so good, and for many the day to day experience of cancer simply sucks.
In this moment, knowing all of that, I am finding that I am seeing these other options. My entire life has been growing me to be exactly here right now. And right now is perfect, and I can rest back and trust that where I land, will be exactly where I need to be. The "Why" voice has been silenced, it is asleep. I know why I am experiencing cancer. Simply because this experience is on my path and taking me where I need to go.
Is it because I have been working and a Lymph Drainage therapist for a few years now and have had quite a number of clients who are having the experience of breast cancer? Could be, that would be a direct path to deeper understanding and empathy for me as a therapist.
Is it because sharing myself, being open and of this world has always been a calling and this experience is so big and so strong as to break me wide open into the world? Who knows.
Is it because I have been working and shifting and really changing myself and how I live my life for years and all of a sudden it is time to integrate those changes on a deep cellular level, and this feeling of trust and understanding and wholeness will somehow serve the future? Maybe.
I'll keep imagining all the amazing possibilities of where I am going, while knowing it is all perfect, and where I am going is perfect. Thanks for checking in with me along the way.
big blessings and love,
~Amelia
A Welcoming Vessel
On Monday morning, as you know, I am headed off for surgery to remove the tumor that is in my left breast.
This tumor is a part of me, and it holds all sorts of stuff. Certainly, it is a collection of cells who have gone awry, and are considered dangerous. Yet I see and experience it as something else also.
It is also becoming a collection point, a welcoming vessel, a storage place for all that no longer serves me in my body, life or spirit.
On a physical level, it is connected to my whole body through blood vessels and lymphatic channels, so with ease, my body is shifting and moving toxins, waste products and energies into it, because they no longer serve me.
On a life or mind plane, all the energies, vibrations, experiences and stories that are of my past that I can shift beyond are moving to this same welcoming vessel. She is deeply colored, jewel-like. I can imagine Polly being able to construct such a vessel from many hues and colors of glass. She is shaped like a gemstone that has come from the earth, not symmetrical, yet somewhat round, her edges are a bit amorphous, she has weight and presence. She is my own little "vessel of requirement," as she has all the space within that is needed to hold and protect what I am letting go of. She will transmute it, she will transform it, she is Goddess.
My spirit welcomes this Welcoming Vessel Goddess, she is renewal, she is trust, she is strength. She is allowing my soul to release, she is renewal.
This is ceremony, it is a sacred time for me. I ask you to hold this process gently with me as my Welcoming Vessel fills and shifts over the weekend. I am so grateful to know what is happening for me in this process, so I can fully participate and welcome this experience.
As the ceremony unfolds I will share it as I am able.
On Monday, the physical manifestation of this vessel, a tumor will be removed. A few of my lymph nodes and surrounding tissue will go along for balance, information and security. They will balance the offering, because a small bit of my healthy tissue is going along with the tumor and they will provide information and security through their testing after the surgery.
I do not know what information that testing will bring me. It will inform further steps on my path.
I do not know where else this journey will take me either. Thank you for stopping by my path and sharing your love and encouragement. It is making this such a love and hope filled experience. Your comments below are welcome, just click on the word "comment" below if there isn't a box open already.
Blessings to All!
House and land as Home
Dear Ones,
I didn't get to edit this before surgery and can't say I've done an amazing job of it this morning and here goes.
The concept of house as home is so deep in my cells, I have lived in amazing places, my mother and grandmothers before me have had wonderful homes and connections to the land and their small places in it. This love of home and land is ingrained in my soul it seems.
Yet, here I am (well housed, yet) essentially homeless and facing what can truly be considered a modern day dragon. This cancer is a life threatening event that is causing me to reach to my core, into the depth of my self and I am finding I know how to steady and stabilize myself through it all. Yet, I have no home at the moment. I have sold my last house and the process of buying the next one is inexorably stalled.
I can, of course, ground to the earth and connect to my resources anywhere, I do teach that for Goddess's sake, my deeper personal connection to a specific place has fed and nurtured me also. As someone who has owned her own home for the last 30 years, that bit of dirt of my own helps define me to myself and the world. I have had fun, quirkey and beautiful places to call my own. Yet, at this time, in the middle of a crashed real estate market, I have not been able to close on the house I want to buy. Huh? Spirit again.
Apparently, I am being asked to find a new way to find and center myself, in fact I am being guided to it and spirit is asking me not to rely so directly on the earth and move my locus of connection deeper inside of me.
Every single part of my experience and process for the last month has been divinely guided, from getting us moved to our delightful temporary rental and Laura's return just days before, and my sister Polly's arrival the evening after the discovery of the lump, I have been cradled and guided and supported. Somehow, I have always known that I was a child of God, that my life was guided. Its just that I have never felt it, seen it or known it so clearly.
So, given that I am a child of God and divinely loved, that must mean that all of my life has arrived from divine guidance, sure I have a lot of choice but She has always been taking me somewhere, guiding me to something. Knowing about it and feeling it are so different.
Right now I am steady, grounded, settled in my bones and resting in the Goddesses arms. I can't tell you how I got here, beyond trust. Trusting that all will be well and that this experience of cancer, just like every other experience of my life is taking me somewhere.
Being without a home, having most all of my possessions in storage miles away, my few saved plants in pots by the house, is essentially an destabilizing and un-grounding experience of a high magnitude for me. Yet I will trust that all is well.
The story I am telling about the why of this is, first - I am learning to stabilize, connect and resource myself within my self with my connection to Spirit. Second that this is a chance to learn to trust that all will be well, even when I cannot seem to make all the proper and expected things line up the way I have always done in the past. Third, this was a way to allow Spirit to transport me to a physical place that isn't to be mine for long, yet is so nurturing and supportive to my system right now.
Blessed be.
I didn't get to edit this before surgery and can't say I've done an amazing job of it this morning and here goes.
The concept of house as home is so deep in my cells, I have lived in amazing places, my mother and grandmothers before me have had wonderful homes and connections to the land and their small places in it. This love of home and land is ingrained in my soul it seems.
Yet, here I am (well housed, yet) essentially homeless and facing what can truly be considered a modern day dragon. This cancer is a life threatening event that is causing me to reach to my core, into the depth of my self and I am finding I know how to steady and stabilize myself through it all. Yet, I have no home at the moment. I have sold my last house and the process of buying the next one is inexorably stalled.
I can, of course, ground to the earth and connect to my resources anywhere, I do teach that for Goddess's sake, my deeper personal connection to a specific place has fed and nurtured me also. As someone who has owned her own home for the last 30 years, that bit of dirt of my own helps define me to myself and the world. I have had fun, quirkey and beautiful places to call my own. Yet, at this time, in the middle of a crashed real estate market, I have not been able to close on the house I want to buy. Huh? Spirit again.
Apparently, I am being asked to find a new way to find and center myself, in fact I am being guided to it and spirit is asking me not to rely so directly on the earth and move my locus of connection deeper inside of me.
Every single part of my experience and process for the last month has been divinely guided, from getting us moved to our delightful temporary rental and Laura's return just days before, and my sister Polly's arrival the evening after the discovery of the lump, I have been cradled and guided and supported. Somehow, I have always known that I was a child of God, that my life was guided. Its just that I have never felt it, seen it or known it so clearly.
So, given that I am a child of God and divinely loved, that must mean that all of my life has arrived from divine guidance, sure I have a lot of choice but She has always been taking me somewhere, guiding me to something. Knowing about it and feeling it are so different.
Right now I am steady, grounded, settled in my bones and resting in the Goddesses arms. I can't tell you how I got here, beyond trust. Trusting that all will be well and that this experience of cancer, just like every other experience of my life is taking me somewhere.
Being without a home, having most all of my possessions in storage miles away, my few saved plants in pots by the house, is essentially an destabilizing and un-grounding experience of a high magnitude for me. Yet I will trust that all is well.
The story I am telling about the why of this is, first - I am learning to stabilize, connect and resource myself within my self with my connection to Spirit. Second that this is a chance to learn to trust that all will be well, even when I cannot seem to make all the proper and expected things line up the way I have always done in the past. Third, this was a way to allow Spirit to transport me to a physical place that isn't to be mine for long, yet is so nurturing and supportive to my system right now.
Blessed be.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Comments Welcome (and how to)
Dear Ones,
I really welcome your comments and have heard that BlogSpot does not make it entirely intuitive to post a comment after a blog.
Look down below and there will be a link that tells you how many comments there are on a post - it looks something like this:
I really welcome your comments and have heard that BlogSpot does not make it entirely intuitive to post a comment after a blog.
Look down below and there will be a link that tells you how many comments there are on a post - it looks something like this:
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Medical Stuff Update for Thursday
Dear Ones,
Have I mentioned lately how great a medical team I have?
Yesterday we met with Debbie at Dr. Drogula's office, she is the nurse who does the pre-surgical education and makes sure all our boxes are ticked off. It was another delightful interaction, full of information and details that allow me to understand and relax.
The basics are, Monday is surgery. I arrive early and will spend the morning doing the prep work, that includes locating the tumor with a guide wire and the prep part of the sentinel node biopsy. Essentially, between all of that and the IV, it is a morning of poking, and I am allowing that it will not actually be too pokey.
I am scheduled to head into actual surgery at 11:45 and it seems they run the schedule pretty smoothly. Laura will be there with one of our bestest friends Kat, and Stewart+ will be stopping for a blessing in the morning. Apparently I will be assigned a number (can I pick?) and there is a board in the waiting room where they can track my progress through the system. I'm visualizing OTB or the NYSE and that is just odd. Betting is discouraged.
Surgery, 90 minutes, recovery, 1 hour, home late afternoon. Laura with me, among other things she has her vet tech degree, so if I act like a cat or dog recovering from general anesthesia, it is all be fine.
Actually, all will be fine I am sure:-)
During the surgery, the tumor, as well as a (hopefully clean) margin of tissue will be removed. In addition, a second incision and the sentinel lymph nodes will be removed to see if the cancer has spread to them (1-4 nodes.) This is diagnostic and will help me (with doctor's input) plan the course of my continuing treatment.
I have refused the axillary dissection. It turns out that offering me the choice is a very new thing, so we don't need to extrapolate what would be going on if I hadn't been offered the choice... And removing all of the lymph nodes from under my arm feels like too great a risk for me to take for my body and the use of my left arm.
What has been shown is that axillary dissection is equally effective as radiation treatment if we find that there is cancer in the sentinel nodes. So the expectation is that if I have positive node(s) I will undergo a more extensive round of radiation that will involve my axilla in addition to my breast.
What I know, is that for my body, the tissue fibrosis that the docs expect to see from the radiation is a better long term risk than the scarring, fascial damage and complete removal of my lymph nodes from the axillary dissection. As a therapist who has worked with plenty of clients who have experienced breast cancer, I realize that this is a different choice. With either choice, medically, I will always be at risk for lymphedema. Having worked with it, trust me, I know how serious it can be.
I feel like having the tissue, connective tissue, fat, lymph nodes - all that would be removed - even if it is seriously damaged and fibrotic from radiation, is better for me. I can facilitate and allow that area to heal, and even if it were to remain seriously damaged for the rest of my life, it feels better to keep the tissue with me.
And, all of this is still an IF, because the full pathology report will not be out until next Thursday, and that will be when I really know the status of the infiltration into my lymph nodes and how high the risks of it spreading actually are. With that information, I will make my choices about radiation and other modalities.
What a journey. what a ride. Keep me and all of mine in your prayers on Monday.
(Sarah will be at camp, send her clear, cool weather and extra riding time.)
Blessings to you all,
~Amelia
PS: if you are local to Annapolis and reading this, the Lighthouse Shelter is in need of staples for the food pantry. Summer is a time when such things can get overlooked. Here is a list of their immediate needs, because frankly this is a level of need that most of us simply can't imagine and for me, it feels far greater than what I am experiencing right now.
We've got choices people!
Blush, Coral, Light Red, Fuchsia, Rose, Roseate, Orchid, Flamingo,, Ashes of Roses, Rose Petal, Geranium, Peaches and Cream, Carnation, Strawberry, Blossom, Raspberry, Watermelon, Azalea, Peta,
just saying.
An Alternative Universe
On a lighter side though, it has to be an alternate universe when during my pre-op visit we end up talking about living vegan, gay marriage and real opinions about different medical choices, as opposed to what "the book" or "the doctor" says. How does this happen? Laura and I keep getting guided into situations, with people that completely accept who we are, not just the marriage part, or our earthy-crunchiness, more esoterically we are finding ourselves and our responses to this experience to be accepted, even welcomed by those around us.
Perhaps it is just the story in my head. The story that says it has to be hard, and that people don't understand me or my life. In recent history I don't even have massive experience of that story, yet is simply so prevalent, so powerful, the group consciousness. Some of the stories are:
- From a holistic life standpoint, I need to fear the "all knowing" allopathic medical folks.
- From an allopathic (conventional/western) medicine standpoint, I need to fear the hokey, uninformed, alternative medicine practitioners
- From a presence standpoint I need to fear those who are just in their heads.
- As a woman, I need to fear my breasts, and anticipate breast cancer at every moment.
- As someone who is having the experience of cancer in her breast, I need to fear death, lose my hair, puke, suffer, battle, fight back, and surrender to what allopathic medical science thinks is best.
What I am discovering in this alternative universe is that those stories have less power, they are misty, transparent, less real. That on a moment to moment basis I am accepted and accepting and that my experience gets to be exactly what I need it to be. My choices are being honored and my opinions and deep knowings about my body are respected.
Now, I can take this another step deeper. Because I do know that the universe reflects back to me what I give it. Perhaps in this experience I am finding a deeper acceptance for myself and a broader understanding of who I am and what it means to be Amelia in this world at this time.
And, no matter what comes of it, I am deeply grateful for this new world I am living in today. I am blessed.
As, I write that, some scared voices in my head popped up - you are having surgery on Monday Amelia - - danger - - danger!! That is just a story though, certainly there are risks, yet surgery is my choice and my desire. Surgery is an opportunity. Dr. Drogula will be doing me a wonderful service, this is modern day shamanism. She will be opening my body and removing something that I no longer need. Within that group of cells, tissue, blood and lymph I am storing (hmm.... storing:-) all the stuff, feelings, memories, voices, STORIES, toxins, pain, hurt, anger and fear that I don't need. I will be letting it all go, allowing and welcoming the excision of that from my body.
In middle world it is cancer, it is a group of cells that have lost their reference point, their anchor. I my broader life, my soul experience, this is a shift to an alternative universe.
Oh, and I got that pedicure, soft soothing green toes!
Blessings to you all,
Amelia
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Ticking off the list
Life has provided me and us with an abundance of lists and to-do's lately. I thought I would offer a retrospective of the last very short bit of time as a list of all the things I have gotten checked off.
It started on Tuesday June 21st with
✔ Get to doc, there is a lump in my breast, saw Lauren Mayer, CNM that morning.
✔ Then get to Radiologist, mammogram and sonogram - yes it is a lump and it is of concern, its spiculated among other things, all in that afternoon (Dr. Helen Mrose at Bay Radiology Rocks!)
✔ Pick up my sister Polly and her two boys at the airport (coincidence??)
✔ Get back to radiologist, time for a biopsy, on Wednesday.
✔ Waaaaaaiiiiiittttt for results, but already know lump is coming out, thanks to really good and straightforward Dr. Mrose.
✔ Make appointment with Dr. Cynthia Drogula, she has been recommended as a precise and elegant surgeon, with offices that will treat me as an individual.
✔ Call back and try that again and get an earlier appointment with surgeon, because I have guaranteed that we will:
✔ Get BIOPSY results in time (call radiologist again)
✔ Process the enormity and the speed of all of this, it is only Thursday after all.
✔ Figure out what I want to tell people, and process the WTF??? , No Really??? and fear sensations and get settled and clear about what I need from others.
✔ Prepare the first anti-pinkwashing manifesto.
✔ Tell my close people - invite in support. easy with some who are so close, and my parents are on holiday in England, loving me up.
✔ Manage somewhat unexpected responses from just a few of my people.
✔ Limit my circle a bit, discover that I have the ability to sense people from quite a distance checking too closely into my system.
✔ This feels invasive, so I construct stronger boundaries, while also trying open to the support that is showing up unconditionally and with deep love, ah the concept of permeable boundaries, remember teaching about those!
✔ Pathology report in - Friday June 24th, the process simply couldn't be going any faster.
✔ Inform close people that yes I do in fact have cancer, Grade 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.
✔ Laura gets back to Dr. Mrose's office to pick up films for appt. on Monday.
✔ Get through weekend.
✔ Reminded to Receive!
✔ Get some info and details from Dr. Inman (Laura's brother Kyle:-) this is not his specialty and he was able to give us some reassuring and pertinent info.
✔ Go to church, feels different.
✔ Bless and accept support as it comes with all the innocence and care that it is provided.
✔ Swear that the first thing I discuss with a person who is newly diagnosed with the experience of breast cancer will NOT be about how miserable the wigs are!
✔ Remember that we are all having a unique experience here in Earth School and that I get to choose how I have mine, every moment, every step of the way.
✔ Laura brings me lots of information about holistic supports and options from our friend and favorite nutritionist Jennifer Salos. I do not respond in the manner that was expected ('nother blog)
✔ Monday morning, less than a week since I discovered the lump, sitting in surgeon, Dr. Cynthia Drogula's office talking about breast cancer, local treatment, systemic treatment, sentinel node biopsies, wide excision, radiation, studies, mastectomy, statistics.
✔ Sign pre-op consent forms for a wide excision on my left breast, sentinel node biopsy and possible axillary dissection. (I am now confident that there will be no Axillary Dissection BTW, just saying)
✔ We are at the front desk and dates are popping out, and I realize that they are asking me if July 18th would be a good surgery date. "Yes, if we can't do it tomorrow" July 18th is so far away.
✔ No silly, you can't do it tomorrow - because now the real to-do list begins!
✔ Pre-surgical to-do list
- Bilateral MRI with contrast Wednesday 7/29 (a whole blog post of its own)
- Chest X-Ray 7/29
- Physical with primary - Lauren Mayer, CNM 6/28
- Blood work - fasting, add in the other tests I was getting anyway 7/7
- EKG - at old primary care Docs office in Arnold 7/7
- Another mammogram to mark/locate the clip placed during biopsy 6/29
- Fill prescription for painkiller -ok, that's not done yet.
- Read the patient resource guide, printed with advertising dollars from pharmaceuticals.... not interested in learning how to be a compliant patient.
✔ Get copies of my old mammograms (nah. I haven't followed the American Cancer Society's guidelines) I have however developed a loving relationship with my breasts and I touch them - and I found the lump. Lots of stats will come later.✔ Monday evening, tell Sarah that her Mom is having the experience of Breast Cancer. It was not a scene from a Hallmark Channel movie. Me: "I'd like to talk with you about something that is going on with my health." Sarah: "Are you dying?" Me: "No, not anytime soon" ......
✔ Realize that I need time!
- Time to let this sink in
- Time to take care of myself
- Time to honor the gravity of having a mass of cells in my body that are capable of causing death
- Time to remind Laura and all who love me that I am not currently dying and that it would probably require a bus or such blunt trauma to cause that to happen anytime soon.
- Time to find out what this is here for.
- Time to go to a gazillion doc appointments.
- Time for reading and research .
- Time to simply be (still trying to get to that - yes I must just take that time)
- Time to love my people and enjoy them.
- Time for tears and cussing.
- Time for laughing.
- Time to do all the stuff to tick off all these darn boxes!
- And time is ok, even if I look and feel perfectly healthy while I am taking it.
- Time to follow my path, as dark and narrow as it seems sometimes.
✔ Problem solve with Laura about how this can happen with our business Ease, Joy and Alchemy
✔ Write letters to all of my clients, inviting their prayers and suggesting how they could continue to receive the bodywork they need during my Sabbatical.
 |
| Me and Polly at the house we grew up in. |
 |
| Me and Laura at Rye Harbor |
✔ Are you tired yet? I am!
✔ In the midst of this, Sarah is back and forth to riding camp, Polly has a glass show outside of Baltimore, Laura is juggling her client load, stepping into my client load, managing the business and dealing with the effects of a small fire in her Baltimore apartment while she was in CO and deciding about summer course load. Polly and Forrest get sick, and we are all living in this amazing temporary rental home on the water, and being very conscious to keep it clean and take really good care of everything.
✔ Oh, and the deal on the house I am trying to buy gets more and more tenuous by the day and I hire attorneys. So by 7/7 I am sitting in the attorney's office going over that little challenge.
✔ Cause, did I mention we are essentially homeless at this point? I have sold one house and have not been able to buy the next... we all go "grrrrrr...." at the listing broker and agent here.... please chime in!
✔ Laura has been covering my clients, I really am on Sabbatical, yet I am busier than ever. No time for a pleasant lady's lunch on my calendar!
✔ Get an online Fax number - cause there are a lot of my medical records flying around the ethers and I want copies too 443-303-8186 if you need it.
✔ Read all of Chrisitane Northrup MD's stuff on breast cancer
✔ Read borrowed copy of Dr. Susan Love's 4th edition of the Breast Book and then all the salient parts of the 5th edition I bought the next day
✔ Read a bunch of holistic stuff - why do the two sides have to be so negative about each other?
✔ Really needed the info - overwhelmed by the inf.
✔ Set up Blog
✔ Monday - we've made it to July 11th, a week to surgery, all of my pre-op boxes ticked
✔ Pop in to see Chiropractor - Dr. Marisa Wallie - she adjusts me right then... ahhh... did I mention the fall I took last week - ouch (gratuitous tear opportunity)
✔ See Naturopath- Dr. Stephanie Porter - she is local and her specialty is oncology. Much of what she has to offer was already a part of my day to day lifestyle and she has some great pre-op/post-op suggestions to augment what Jennifer has given us.
✔ Get MRI results - must fax them around and can! Celebrate for a moment, need to let that relief sink in.
✔ Talk to ex & friend Kevin, Sarah's Dad about what I think is important in the case that a bus runs through the operating room on Monday. Like I said, it'll take a bus or something:-)
✔ Planning - Sarah care after surgery, getting advice on how to best support her. She will be with Dad for the week and camp and add-ons that are fun and distracting - cause this is her summer vacation, she gets to have fun.
✔ Blog
✔ Shop for appropriate bed clothing, and darn-it that pink is showing up again.
✔ Get all the documents together for Laura and I to document our Domestic Partnership in Maryland. It ain't marriage by any stretch of the imagination, but it does guarantee some rights, and with hospitals and such coming up, we want all that covered in advance. Medical Power of Attorney and Directive been done (and I brought that box with me - it isn't in a storage container!!!!)
✔ Best part- notary at UPS isn't in, find out that the church administrators are both Notaries, so we head off to St. Margaret's, get the paperwork done along with a whole lot of laughs and love. However, both Stewart and James were there, and we realize later that there was no ceremony, no music, no flowers!
✔And these are the things you realize afterwards. Signing that paperwork is significant, and Spirit led us to one of the best places we know and surrounded us with people we love, and who make us laugh. And that means way more than flowers and music and ceremony.
✔ Blog
✔ Bloodwork back, chest x-ray back, I'm essentially healthy.
Still not done:
Writing back to many people who have sent me wonderful notes of support. I try to keep up and then find that it is bedtime again! I hope you are reading this blog and know I send you love and thanks!
Stocking the house with drinking water and essentials so that Laura doesn't have to worry about such things. My BNI friends and some others are promising food, so thankful for that.
Sit down with Jennifer and go over all the holistic stuff
Major pre-op "education" visit at surgeon's office on Wednesday. Ask a thousand questions about all parts of the surgery, looking forward to having 1001 answers and letting that part of my brain rest a bit.
Making capsules of tumeric, ginger and black pepper for their anti-inflammatory and cancer inhibiting properties. I just can't eat that much of it on food.
Another chiropractic adjustment or two
Pedicure - why should that matter?
Shop for a too small bra, since I am going to be a bit lopsided in a week and tight will feel better. It won't be pink.
Massage
Sleep
Journal
Blog
Pray
Trust
Accept that I will forget something(s)
Continue the visualization and mediation that is helping my body isolate all that it no longer needs and that which doesn't serve me into this small tumor in my left breast. I will release all of that on Monday and let it go from my body.
Walk to the end of the Thomas Point Park before 8pm, since we keep going too late and getting kicked out by the ranger.
Remind the people I love so much, especially Sarah and Laura that I do love them and I am not planning on going anywhere. That I deeply appreciate their love and support and know that this is an experience that is mine and ours to have, and that it is taking us all somewhere.
Life will never be quite the same. But isn't that really the case everyday anyway?
Monday, July 11, 2011
MRI Results and ND visit
Dear Ones,
I got a call from Dr. Drogula's office this morning, the MRI came back all clear, no additional lesions in either breast, no concerns. So that is very good news and the wide excision/lumpectomy surgery will proceed as planned next Monday.
As soon as I finished with that call it was time for our consult with a Stephanie Porter, ND, she is a Naturopath whose specialty is oncology. It was very helpful, basically continue what I have been doing for health and in preparation for surgery with a few additions. Right now it is all about high immune function, not upsetting the anesthesiologist, and low inflammation levels.
She has good local resources and insights to different choices down the road. And firmly reminded me that there is plenty of time to collect all the information I need after surgery to make the best choice for me.
It was also really helpful to talk with another holistic health professional and be reminded that I am the one having the experience and it is mine to dive into. As practitioners we hold a lot for others, and learn not to take it in too deeply, to maintain a professional boundary. In this case I need to remember it is me, and step fully into the experience.
I'm sure Laura will have many other insights, and that's the report for the moment.
Blessings all,
Amelia
I got a call from Dr. Drogula's office this morning, the MRI came back all clear, no additional lesions in either breast, no concerns. So that is very good news and the wide excision/lumpectomy surgery will proceed as planned next Monday.
As soon as I finished with that call it was time for our consult with a Stephanie Porter, ND, she is a Naturopath whose specialty is oncology. It was very helpful, basically continue what I have been doing for health and in preparation for surgery with a few additions. Right now it is all about high immune function, not upsetting the anesthesiologist, and low inflammation levels.
She has good local resources and insights to different choices down the road. And firmly reminded me that there is plenty of time to collect all the information I need after surgery to make the best choice for me.
It was also really helpful to talk with another holistic health professional and be reminded that I am the one having the experience and it is mine to dive into. As practitioners we hold a lot for others, and learn not to take it in too deeply, to maintain a professional boundary. In this case I need to remember it is me, and step fully into the experience.
I'm sure Laura will have many other insights, and that's the report for the moment.
Blessings all,
Amelia
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday Afternoon with my Angels
Ah, it is quiet.
I've had plenty of time to read and research - I have been craving information over the past couple of weeks and now I have it. Perhaps more information than I need.
It helps me feel good about my decisions so far and I am reminded of how much support surrounds me. And this is still such a singular process.
Interacting at church, out and about, and even via email is tiring, there is so much running through my brain it is hard to share. Some things I don't always want to share. That's mostly the sadness and fear that slide in and out of my psyche.
So normal, I know, and painful.
Laura Is beside me and is sharing so much of this with me. This is a blessing, I know it, I feel it, and I know this is hard for her too. As my wife, she feels my pain and fear as well as having her own. She has a proprietary interest in my body and such things as surgery and radiation. She has also made choices that allow her to devote more time to our business and more deeply carry it while I am away and that is a further blessing and challenge.
Sarah is deep inside, I am holding her gently. Staying close, yet giving space.
Sometimes this just feels to big to open up and cry about. Like it could just swallow me.
Thankfully, I am well observed by Spirit and my angels. I have been gifted with at least a half dozen gratuitous crying opportunities recently. As soon as it happens, I know I am not crying about the sweet gum ball I just stepped on, or even the claustrophobic feeling in the MRI. I am crying out the experience of cancer, yet coming in this way I can breathe into it soon enough and find my steadiness and let the emotions wash through me without feeling swallowed by it all.
Ah the quiet of a Sunday afternoon.
Blessings to you all, soft green loving light is welcome, please allow space around us for it to circulate. And keep Laura and Sarah in your hearts and prayers with me too as they both have their own journey in this.
Much love,
Amelia
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Diagnosis and current treatment plans
7/27/2018
Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer, which has spread to bones, diagnosed early May 2018. I'll add a lot more later.
7/9/2011
Dear Ones,
There is lots more to talk about and share in this process and I do want to write about it all. And a lot of people want to first know what is going on medically.
So, here goes.
I have been diagnosed with Infiltrating/Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, grade 2 (grade isn't stage). There is evidence from the biopsy of cancer cell movement into my lymphatic system. The mass is 14mm. And it is testing 99% positive for estrogen and 40% positive for progesterone receptors. Forgive me, but all I have to say there is no shit sherlock, and that will be another blog entry. It was also borderline HER2 and FISH negative. And we still await the results of the MRI, another interesting experience, another blog entry.
Treatment - my amazing Radiologist at Bay Radiology, Helen Mrose MD suggested that I work with surgeon Cynthia Drogula, MD at Balt. Washington Medical Center. She was described to me as a precise and elegant surgeon.
I am scheduled for Wide Excision - Lumpectomy on Monday July 18th, midday. Dr. Drogula will do a sentinal node biopsy during the surgery to determine infiltration into my lymphatics - which could mean the cancer has had the opportunity to spread.
Before the surgery, I need to tell her what I want her to do if there is a positive result to the sentinal node biopsy. The choice I am being offered is axillary resection - remove a bunch of lymph nodes under my arm or increased radiation treatment after the surgery.
At this point, I am pretty confident that my best choice is to retain my lymph nodes. There are significant risks for lymphedema in all of this and as a lymph drainage therapist, I am quite aware of the concerns. Also, as someone who needs her arms and upper body, the risks of the surgery are very high. This is the sort of thing that docs don't much talk about.
What I do after that, in terms of radiation treatment (recommended) or chemo (not yet discussed) and holistic and alternative (Of Course!) is still undecided. If things turn out to be worse than it looks, I can always go back for another surgery, and make other choices. At this point a conservative surgical plan feels best.
Right now I am resting and relaxing and allowing all of this to sink in.
There are significant risks inherent to the surgery in terms of the movement of cancerous cells and the impact on my immune system. So I am meeting with my holistic support this coming week to further prepare my body for surgery. I am amping up my immune system, taking some natural supplements that are shown to make it harder for cancer cells to move and settle elsewhere as well as ones that have shown to shrink cancer cells. The surgery will be general anesthesia with local anesthesia, which has been show to be the most protective.
I am currently on Sabbatical. As soon as this information sunk in, I realized that I had to take the time to allow myself to have this experience, to learn, to feel and time was necessary. Not easy, and there are major challenges in doing this, and it is really the best choice for me right now.
Especially when the doctor's office asked if I was going to take more than a week off for the surgery. Huh??? are you kidding? I am a massage therapist - the biopsy was still painful after 3 days. Back to work in 7 after a lumpectomy?
And really, time is such a gift. I am giving myself the gift of the time for this.
much love!
Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer, which has spread to bones, diagnosed early May 2018. I'll add a lot more later.
7/9/2011
Dear Ones,
There is lots more to talk about and share in this process and I do want to write about it all. And a lot of people want to first know what is going on medically.
So, here goes.
I have been diagnosed with Infiltrating/Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, grade 2 (grade isn't stage). There is evidence from the biopsy of cancer cell movement into my lymphatic system. The mass is 14mm. And it is testing 99% positive for estrogen and 40% positive for progesterone receptors. Forgive me, but all I have to say there is no shit sherlock, and that will be another blog entry. It was also borderline HER2 and FISH negative. And we still await the results of the MRI, another interesting experience, another blog entry.
Treatment - my amazing Radiologist at Bay Radiology, Helen Mrose MD suggested that I work with surgeon Cynthia Drogula, MD at Balt. Washington Medical Center. She was described to me as a precise and elegant surgeon.
I am scheduled for Wide Excision - Lumpectomy on Monday July 18th, midday. Dr. Drogula will do a sentinal node biopsy during the surgery to determine infiltration into my lymphatics - which could mean the cancer has had the opportunity to spread.
Before the surgery, I need to tell her what I want her to do if there is a positive result to the sentinal node biopsy. The choice I am being offered is axillary resection - remove a bunch of lymph nodes under my arm or increased radiation treatment after the surgery.
At this point, I am pretty confident that my best choice is to retain my lymph nodes. There are significant risks for lymphedema in all of this and as a lymph drainage therapist, I am quite aware of the concerns. Also, as someone who needs her arms and upper body, the risks of the surgery are very high. This is the sort of thing that docs don't much talk about.
What I do after that, in terms of radiation treatment (recommended) or chemo (not yet discussed) and holistic and alternative (Of Course!) is still undecided. If things turn out to be worse than it looks, I can always go back for another surgery, and make other choices. At this point a conservative surgical plan feels best.
Right now I am resting and relaxing and allowing all of this to sink in.
There are significant risks inherent to the surgery in terms of the movement of cancerous cells and the impact on my immune system. So I am meeting with my holistic support this coming week to further prepare my body for surgery. I am amping up my immune system, taking some natural supplements that are shown to make it harder for cancer cells to move and settle elsewhere as well as ones that have shown to shrink cancer cells. The surgery will be general anesthesia with local anesthesia, which has been show to be the most protective.
I am currently on Sabbatical. As soon as this information sunk in, I realized that I had to take the time to allow myself to have this experience, to learn, to feel and time was necessary. Not easy, and there are major challenges in doing this, and it is really the best choice for me right now.
Especially when the doctor's office asked if I was going to take more than a week off for the surgery. Huh??? are you kidding? I am a massage therapist - the biopsy was still painful after 3 days. Back to work in 7 after a lumpectomy?
And really, time is such a gift. I am giving myself the gift of the time for this.
much love!
Monday Night
So, it seems like I might want to start at the beginning, and that Monday night is as good a start point as any... I could go back to deep decisions made in the fall of 2010, or experiences of the past three years. Yes, Monday evening feels like a good place to start.
To set the scene, it is June 20th, I have renovated and sold my house, moved everything to storage and we have just moved to a wonderful, temporary, new home. I am renting a waterfront, fully furnished house in Annapolis, Laura had just returned Friday night from a few weeks in Colorado, my sister Polly is arriving from California for 3 weeks the next day.
It was a warm evening, I came up to bed, got undressed. As I pulled off my bra I rubbed the side of my breasts and felt something very different in my left breast. A lump, at about 2 o'clock. I knew immediately that it did not belong there and that it was grace and spirit showing it to me that evening. I was also really scared and felt a deep trust underneath. This was an experience that apparently I was going to need to walk.
Back to denial, I started doing lymph work on myself, wondered if it could be a cyst or fluid or such and texted Laura, who was downstairs and asked her to center and steady herself before she came up.
She came up and palpated it too, it was different from all the other lumps and bumps that are generally in my breasts. This was new.
I don't know if we ever said the word cancer. I know we were both thinking it.
To set the scene, it is June 20th, I have renovated and sold my house, moved everything to storage and we have just moved to a wonderful, temporary, new home. I am renting a waterfront, fully furnished house in Annapolis, Laura had just returned Friday night from a few weeks in Colorado, my sister Polly is arriving from California for 3 weeks the next day.
It was a warm evening, I came up to bed, got undressed. As I pulled off my bra I rubbed the side of my breasts and felt something very different in my left breast. A lump, at about 2 o'clock. I knew immediately that it did not belong there and that it was grace and spirit showing it to me that evening. I was also really scared and felt a deep trust underneath. This was an experience that apparently I was going to need to walk.
Back to denial, I started doing lymph work on myself, wondered if it could be a cyst or fluid or such and texted Laura, who was downstairs and asked her to center and steady herself before she came up.
She came up and palpated it too, it was different from all the other lumps and bumps that are generally in my breasts. This was new.
I don't know if we ever said the word cancer. I know we were both thinking it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)