And Then a Step to the Right

Dear Ones,

I hope this finds you well. I've been processing and healing here, quite an undertaking I must say.

The news from the pathology report is back, it is very good and it has brought me to a place of deep grief.

In the axillary dissection, second surgery, Dr. Drogula removed thirteen lymph nodes, all of which were clear of cancer. This is wonderful news, it means that the cancer had not spread beyond the two sentinel nodes. It means that we can have confidence that the -large enough to detect- colonies of cancer cells have been removed from my body surgically. It is good news.

And I am grieving. Grieving the loss of all those healthy, unaffected, simply doing their job, seemingly pretty well, blessed lymph nodes.

This was a possibility that I was certainly aware of, I had considered it and wondered how it would feel. Relief? Sadness? Anger? Gratitude?

All of the above, and so much grief. I am aching from the loss, I have cried a few buckets and then a few more. All opportunities for gratuitous tears have been welcomed and tear up again I may in an hour.

And again, know how clear I am on this, I did the best I could and I don't regret the choice or the outcome. I made absolutely the best choice I could make given what I had to go on. We had just found two extremely active sentinel nodes who were overrun and had cancer cells spilling out of them into the surrounding tissue.

I chose this and I grieve this.

And I am so grateful to my immune system (so much is which lives in my lymphatic system.) This could gave been so much worse and it wasn't. Between the clear PET/CT and these clear thirteen nodes, we know so much. That knowledge will inform further treatment and help me rest at night.

I am grateful. I am relieved. I am not celebrating though.

Dear Ones, I know that I make it hard on you all some days to know how to respond to me. This is another one of those situations, I know it, I can feel it. Shouldn't we simply celebrate Amelia? You may, quietly and privately, I am grateful, yet not celebratory.

And, I am also exhausted and still healing. Two surgeries in two weeks is tough. This second surgery was more extensive and involved a drain and such yukky things. I also had a medi-port installed, so both sides of my upper body are healing. My body is rejecting any pain relief beyond Advil and herbals. I'm not trying to bitch about it. I simply need to honor the stress and challenge and allow that there is more to come.

South River Today

As I write, the South River outside my window is filling with rain, I feel it washing over and through me. I release these tears and sadness and grief into all that water, let it be washed away from me and all who grieve this afternoon.

I trust where I am going to. I trust where I am being guided to. I am so very well taken care of in all things.

Send me peace and rest please. I am not nearly ready to do much more than that for awhile. Sarah will be back from the beach soon, so I may need some driving help there. Laura continues to be my most amazing support, she is taking such good care of me, send her lots of love too!

There are more doctors to see and treatment plans to discuss. I'll keep you all posted as options and plans become clearer.

Back to that rest and peace for me now.

Much love,
Amelia

yes, obscure time warp reference title