Llamas.. no ALPACAS... oh dear

Dear Ones,

Phalco is a dear and cuddly Alpaca

 

Part of what I have found I need to let go of lately is, using the right word.  For someone who has always communicated pretty well and had a lot of words handy in my brain, this is something of an adjustment.

I've found it quite a challenge over the last couple of weeks.  In the camilid family; which includes camels, llamas and alpacas, I have been most familiar with llamas.  So somehow my neural net goes to the word "llama" when it sees something that is pretty close to a llama.  Like an alpaca.

Laura, Sarah and I have had a great time getting to know some llamas alpacas recently, we even got to shear them last weekend (long story, friend me on Facebook for details,) so I have become quite intimate with ALPACAS.  And alpacas are enough different from llamas that I really can tell the difference.

Sarah and Becky with the boys

So for fun, I will add Alpaca photos to this post, even though it really isn't about Alpacas.  It is about chemo-brain or brain fog.  It is here and it persists.  I have to be really careful with spelling, (bless iPhones) and I have often found myself looking at Laura searching her face and brain for the word that I want to use right now. She is good about providing them, gently, and good about softly correcting me when I am just completely off.

Laura, the alpaca shearing goddess

More than one person has suggested that I hold onto this excuse for awhile, say, the rest of my life, give or take.  The detached and evolved me can certainly laugh about that and say absolutely!  The other part of me that is more judgmental and frustrates easily, simply wants to say a complete sentence with all the right words.  I've been known to get a bit touchy!

My oncologist assured me that they now know that chemo-brain is real. He also told me that just a few years ago they actively denied it.  It's real.  No doubt here.

Cooler and a bit scruffy.

Words have always been fun and easy. I am doing my best to hold this new reality with gentle humor.  I had a client today who asked me a question during a hands on part of her session.  I was able to simply say "I cannot access that part of my brain while I am in deep therapeutic space."  It worked, as she didn't know my history and didn't need anything more than that.

So remember, llamas are bigger than alpacas.  And the alpacas at Becky and Cheryl's are really cute boys who seem to forgive me for calling them llamas. 

And I am grateful that I haven't, as yet, called them camels!

blessed be,
~Amelia
who loves new adventures, and shearing alpacas was a delightful adventure, they really are cute!

Oh and it could be the Tamoxifen too.  Just remembered that.

Anniversaries and Turning Corners

Dear Ones,

We noted the first anniversary of this adventure in late June. 

Happenstance got me back to Dr. Mrose, my favorite radiologist at Bay Radiology, for my first set of mammograms exactly a year after I had been in because of the lump I found in my breast.  All is well in mammo-land these days. 

As I continue to play with western medicine, there has finally been a shift to looking forward to long term health! A welcome relief from the "you are a cancer patient, you have cancer" mindset.  Now, the reality is that most of what I can do to support my system and offer it opportunities for wellness are outside of traditional medicine, and I have arranged a team of docs who are supportive of holistic health care, thank goodness!

So, I will be taking Tamoxifen for a couple of years, and then other drugs to reduce the risk of a re-occurrence.  Tamoxifen is pretty interesting and feels important in my situation, it blocks/interferes with estrogen receptors, especially in the breast.  Since the cancer in my breast was estrogen-positive, blocking some of that makes sense to me.  I had been aware of and working to shift the estrogen dominance in my body for many years, Tamoxifen is doing that for me, with sledge-hammer style results.

Because of the Tamoxifen, I have had to get my ovaries and uterus checked out, fun! We also had a unscheduled trip to the ER to rule out deep vein thrombosis one evening.  Thankfully I got to go home with the diagnosis of unspecified rash.  The leg cramps are epic and about a few of the other side effects - that will remain private.

Beyond that, there isn't anything else to do, except be healthy and take good care of myself. (And lots of supplements!) It is a very strange feeling,  after such intensive treatment for almost a year, to then be, simply done.  Hmmm... This huge threat, major danger has been treated, and now I am simply done.  "Come back and see us in three months." Wow.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am really happy to step back into my life and get distance from all of that, and it is a somewhat rough transition and redefinition of self.

But hey, I have gotten to re-define myself so many times in this lifetime and especially in the last year!

Have you seen the hair? 
I love it, it's staying short and blonde!

Blessings to you all,

~Amelia

Who also no longer has a medi-port in her body either, yahoo!

Good News Today

Dear Ones,

As you probably remember, Laura and I were back at CTCA this week for follow-up and a PET/CT, which is frankly just looking for spread of the cancer. They call it a "new baseline."

We got the results yesterday, And the test came back clear, "no evidence of disease." Blessed be!

So time for us to take a deep breath, feel a lot of relief, and gently step back into life, the new one that isn't quite like our old one.


My system was quite challenged by the radiation, and my immune system is still very diminished -so it may be slow, and with very limited crowds and hugging for awhile still.

Short term, I am focusing on getting our "new" home ready to move into, painting is good P/T and is helping me get my strength back. Then I will focus on getting back to work, etc. As I hope you remember, I hung up my super-woman cape at the outset so am really looking to be gentle and patient with myself in this new process.

Thank you all for your prayers, assistance, and love this year; Laura, Sarah, and I have felt and appreciated them greatly,

Many blessings and Happy Easter,

~Amelia and Laura

You look so good!

Dear Ones.

"You look so good!"

Yes, I do. That is a good thing.

At times it feels like people are somewhat surprised. They expect me to appear sicker somehow. I've even felt an occasional judgment float through-perhaps I'm not suffering enough, if I am doing the metastatic breast cancer path I ought to look and feel much worse.

And I find I need to respond to that and share my answers to such questions.

First, I started this process really healthy. Vibrantly healthy and full of strength. And then I started listening to what I needed to get through this journey.

So, I am on sabbatical, I stepped out of my life radically to take the time to honor, care for and heal my body.

Good medical - listened to me, modified medications, spread out the schedule and added extra supports like fluids and vitamins the day after infusions.

Listened to my body.

Stepped out of relationships where I felt I as not being heard.

Holistic supports, nutritional supplements, food choices, homeopathy, acupuncture and massage.

Mind body medicine and support with a counselor at CTCA, as well as my long established therapeutic relationships. I have worked with four therapists throughout this process on different aspects of the experience

Shamanic healing work with a trusted and amazing shaman.

Prayer, my own and that of do many others.

I have gotten to learn to receive and allow all the love and prayer in.

And I have had very wonderful support and help day to day. My family and dear friends have kept in touch and helped as they can. Even Sarah at eleven has stepped up and become more conscious and independent.

My biggest support has been Laura. She has been beside me at all times in this process (unless it is surgical suite or radiation exposure.). She has cared for me and held me and loved me no matter how badly I felt. She put her schooling on hold and stepped up her time at our business, covering many of my clients and keeping it all going. She loves me bald, she loves me cranky from chemo and steroids, she loves me with surgical drains and long drives and when we are both exhausted from the process.

I simply cannot imagine doing this without Laura my love.

Yes, I do look healthy, my scars, burns and damaged cells are covered by my clothes and skin.

Yes, I am walking the traditional medical path for treating metastatic breast cancer. Medicine does know how to treat it with some very good outcomes, and the treatment has improved over the years. The description cut, poison and burn is still how it is done and it is brutal at times.

I am so grateful to have the access and the freedom to walk this path my way. With all the different supports that have made the process bearable and successful.

I have finished radiation and am healing. We return just before Easter for another PET/CT to confirm all is well. Slowly and surely I am and will continue to return to life. Not life as I knew it. That is gone. A new aspect of my adventure in life.

Before this started, a friend told me that I ought to expect to hear about how good I look for a long time. Perhaps it is simply learning to take in a compliment better, on that I will continue my work. Perhaps it is our consciousness about cancer, and the surprise when someone doesn't appear to be dying. Perhaps it is incongruous, that I look happy and healthy while reporting the challenges of this process. I really prefer to be congruous in all things and n this I am so grateful that I don't appear as miserable as I feel at times!

Blessed be.
Amelia

Slowly rising

Dear Ones,

Below is a quick note Laura wrote last night to a friend with a bit of an update. I asked if I could share it to let you all know what is going on these days as I have been so deep in the underworld of this healing journey.
 
from Laura:
We head to CTCA tomorrow for the follow-up bloodwork and PET/CT scan on Thursday, results on Friday. The scan will establish a new baseline and is also the standard test to examine for any distant metastases. We have every reason to believe that all the cancer was removed with the surgeries and that the chemo and radiation regimens have been über insurance. That said, there is still the build-up and realism of all the possible scenarios this journey can bring.

So we wanted to send a heads up and ask for extra support, love, and gentle consciousness as we journey through this week.

Will of course post an update when we know more.

Hope spring is awesome for each of you this year!!

Much love,
Amelia and Laura

Long time

June, July, August
Sept., Oct., Nov., Dec., Jan., Feb., March
Long journey indeed.


Now, I may simply
recover, and breathe a bit
Celebrate? Not yet.


Post traumatic growth?
Another bar set so high,
Repair cells and soul.


Love,
Amelia

Not many words for it all

Dear Ones, much to say
Radioactivity
Taken attention.


Radiation - my
tired, burned finale
Back when recover'd


Back off, don't touch
Yes, beautiful scarf is green
Respect boundary


Slash, poison and burn
Our modern cancer treatment
Add ancient wisdom


Cancer survivor?
Or a treatment survivor?
Either way, I'm here, life good.


So deeply tired
Energy needed to heal
Awake exhausted


Please, a gown that fits?
Really? I have to ask you?
First in thirty months?


Fresh aloe and tea
Not ointments or cortisone
No skin breakdown, hmmmm


Are we crazy? yes
Feet feel better out of shoes
Went to flower show


Much love to you all
Treatment, tough and tiring
Gratitude, miss you.

~Amelia