Overwhelming Feelings Practice, or Gratitude on Steroids

Good Morning Dear Ones,

It is just 5am this wet and chilly morning here in Annapolis. My last few days have really felt miserable at times, I have been simply feeling done.  Between the continuing, seemingly forever process of treatment and follow-up that comes with my experience of a breast cancer; the recent destruction of an unknown amount of my stuff; and the news... the horrible way people in power, large and small, are treating other people... I have really found myself in the pits.

Right now, I am wide awake, because it is a treatment day and I was up for my first dose of steroids at 1:30am.  At 4am I was wide awake, and I have surrendered; there is no more sleep for me.

I have been struggling to respond in a way that shifts these feelings of sadness and despair.  What does it is shifting my focus to gratitude and the blessings in my life.  I have been creating this list in my head for the last couple of days, it is time to start recording it, so that is what I will share this morning.

I am Grateful For:

Being here on this earth each day, having a fresh opportunity to love and learn and share and appreciate all that life brings me.

My blessed daughter Sarah, she is a treasure, so smart, funny.. in a dry and observant way, beautiful, curious and aware of her world. It isn't always easy to be her Mom, it brings me to new and better places, and I am eternally grateful for the blessings of Sarah Elizabeth.

My beloved wife Laura, a jewel in my heart, my lovemate, my partner, my friend.  Laura, who is consistently willing to step into consciousness in her life and our life, she brings me forward as we walk our path together.  She cares for me so well, with grace and flexibility, and we simply enjoy each other's company.  What a blessing my Laura YKR is.
My family, my mother Carol, filled with unfailing love and support on any subject at any time, a friend, a great source of creative ideas and ways to make life the way I want it to be.  Dick, who came to us as we entered adulthood as step-dad, what a gift, another steady, loving and fascinating person in my world.  John, my "we might as well be twins" dear brother, we are so close on a deep energetic level that I can always feel him in my heart, and hear his reassuring and loving words in my head.  And Polly, my best friend as well as precious sister, I cannot imagine my life without her at my side from 3000 miles away, she inspires me and fills my heart with love, and her boys have deep and wide places in my heart, even though they say they will never live on the east coast.

My in-laws, all the Inmans, Diddes and Killips who have welcomed me as family and friend, who have shared their lives and hearts with me, and who have been a steady support to Laura and us, as we walked some darker parts of our journey together.

My father Mike, grandmother Bama and all the other dear ones who are no longer living on this earth. I feel them in my life daily, whether it is in a memory or a thought or a message, you have taught me to love deeply and appreciate so much in this world, and for that I will always be grateful.

And all the other dear ones in my world, especially Kevin who shares the gift and joys and... of parenting Sarah with me, dear Kat, all my friends and supporters, people who send love and people who care, all my dear people on facebook, people who check in, and people I feel from a distance.  All a blessing.

I am Grateful For:

The beauty of this world, sky, sun, water ... rain, clouds, mists and moonlight. Feeling my feet on the ground and feeling all the strength and power of the goddess that is earth, feeling the strength and grace of the heavens reaching down to me. Smelling fresh rain, kicking leaves, walking in all the places this world has provided us, and finding beauty everywhere. Soaking in the warmth and energy of the sun... feeling how moonlight tingles also.  The contrasts of hot springs and rushing cool rivers, tumbled rocks and sand on the shore of the ocean as the waves flow in.

All the growing things on our earth, flowers and trees, gardens lush and gardens bare, fields of crops and big juicy vegetables. A bramble of weeds on a roadside, bright with berries and birds. Tulips and zinnias, peonies, roses, cherries and lilacs, azaleas, redbuds, mums and oak trees, wisteria, birch, pansies and the millions of other beauties of nature, for you I am grateful.

I am Grateful For:

Creatures, cats especially Mao and Lily, the spoiled and talkative creatures that share our lives, who remind me they are not spoiled, they are simply being treated as they should be. 

All the horses who inhabit Sarah's and Laura's hearts and inspire them, you are also deep in my heart these days.

All of the wild ones.

The birds, so many of you are close to us these days.  The mallards, osprey, herons, bald eagles and kingfisher of the summer are now mallards, herons, buffleheads, loons, swans, kingfisher, chickadees, nuthatches, bald eagles, house finch and sparrows of the fall and winter.

The four-legged blessings of deer, especially our little buck who visits so often, and the families in Highland Beach.  Fox, such a frequent and cheerful visitor in my world, even when I just get a glimpse of your tail, I am so glad to see you. Raccoon, from the babies in the chimney this spring to the family that loves to take down the feeders in the rain, thank you for sharing my world, you are creative and amusing and so much more dexterous than dear and entertaining squirrel.

I am Grateful For:

Places, like this wonderful home we are in during this time of transition.  It is a gift to wake to the river and the bay, expanses of water and moonlight shining on it.  Watching weather here is a delight and the home has welcomed, nurtured and enveloped us with such love and support.  Thank you Karen for sharing it with us.

High Mooring, our new home in Highland Beach.  She is just a shell of potential right now, and she is welcoming and excited about our future together. As work gets started, with the architects drawings, the builders suggestions and all the little touches we get to add, she is becoming an absolute delight of a home.  Of that I am certain. She came to me on my birthday, and she is a gift to all of us.

Annapolis, this vortex of possibility.  I arrived here for another life and have created this one.  A beautiful town, near the water, full of interesting people and possibilities.  While I don't know if I would have picked it without other influences, I am grateful to be here.  It is a good home-point, especially as Sarah moves through her education at Key School.

Another place and people to pause and honor, Key has held and nurtured Sarah from kindergarten on, her teachers know who she is and care about fostering that.  Yes, she is a smart one, no doubt, and she is offered chances to learn and is challenged in ways that are so beyond the ordinary and often so creative, I continue to be amazed and grateful.

All the other blessed places of this world that have shaped my life, Rye and NY, the Connecticut coast, California, especially Santa Cruz and Big Sur. Colorado, Laura's hometown of Creede and the ranch and studios.  The pristine beauty and peace of Little Squaw. Sedona, our sacred and safe space. West Virginia, where we met and where we married.  And every spot I get to spend time in these days, we continue to find blessings and beauty in them all.

and I am Grateful For:

The Goddess, and all her angels, saints, guides and way-showers. 

With love and gratitude for all the blessings of this life, known and unknown, seen and unseen, past and future, appreciated and not-yet-appreciated,

Amelia
who knows this will be continuing all day, now that I have primed the process, a blessing in itself.

Be present in all things 

and thankful for all things,

Maya Angelou